Do you find yourself in frequent argument with your partner? Are the frequent arguments usually about the same topic? Do you get exasperated and feel that your partner never listens to you and completely disregards your view on a particular topic? Do you feel they are arguing just because they want to be right? Chances are you are too!
When our busy lives take over and we spend less and less time connecting with our spouses, our connection and intimacy suffers. The result; more frequent arguments…. over petty things. We stop listening to each other. We stop making time for each other. We avoid hard conversations. We don’t feel like connecting and being intimate because we are holding on to resentment. It becomes a catch 22 situation, “I’ll make love with my partner when I’m not so angry with him”.
Find your own orgasm, bring your own turned on feeling to your relationship.
Whats going on? What can you do to get out of this familiar but damaging pattern? The answer is child psychology. No your partner isn’t a child but child psychology can gives us great advice that is also relevant to our relationship.
Child psychology now tells us that attachment is the most important thing our kids need. When they feel secure and are close to parents they are more likely to listen to their parents and accept guidance and correction. They are less likely to be led astray by peer group pressure or become peer focused.
Connect before you correct.
Connect before you correct is how we should approach our children and our spouses. If we are not connected then trust is weakened. If we are always yelling trust is weakened. If we are always criticising then trust is weakened.
Connect…… verbally and physically.
We need physical connection more than anything in the world. Physical connection is like air. We shrivel and die without it. Our relationships shrivel and die without it. Our connection dies without it. Hold on to your kids and hold on to your partner.
Physical connection builds trust. We all need someone that we trust most in this world and that should be our parents for kids and our spouse for adults.
When we focus on intimacy, physical and verbal, then the subjects that cause issues are better received. There is less rebellion and more understanding. When we are full of oxytocin the cuddle hormone, then we are not going to want to fight about it.
Most couples have a ‘hot topic’, one that is guaranteed to trigger defensiveness and criticism. How do you approach these topics? Cuddle first? Well yes but make sure the cuddle bank is full. This is a long term investment. And do you know what really gets a relationship buzzing? What was that drug you both felt when you first fell in love? Dopamine, yes dopamine makes you feel soooooo good. Combine dopamine with oxytocin to stabilise it and you have a fabulous concoction for a great long term connection.
Where does dopamine come from? Orgasm. Where does orgasm come from? That’s easy to answer if you are a guy. A little more tricky for women but it doesn’t have to be. It is not your partners’ responsibility to make you orgasm. It’s really up to you to find your own orgasm first, your own turn on so that you can bring it to your relationship. This takes so much pressure off him (or her if you are in a same sex relationship).
Find your orgasm, find your turn on, come to your relationship turned on by life!
Let your intimacy inspire you both.